Time Turner

" I mark the hours every one nor have I yet outrun the sun..." 

  - Hermione Granger, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban

Today was one of those days I wish I had a time turner. If they existed, of course. We lost an hour with daylight savings about 10 days ago, and since then I feel like I'm losing an hour everyday. Feeling like I'm losing an hour of my day, every day, for 10 days, is starting to wear on my ability to keep it together. There's this compounding feeling. Or more like trying to start a fire and it's so close, it starts to smolder, then POOF, big flames. The pressure just builds and builds until I just explode or implode or implode then explode, yeah, that's more like me. Last week was my imploding, feeling down, not wanting to do anything because there was just too much to catch up on. Two days ago was a mini meltdown of sorts, or I guess I could call it a mini explosion since I used the words "freaking" a lot in a very short amount of time. Since I have yet to figure out a way to fit in my me time to release the pressure, I'm feeling overwhelmed, desperately overwhelmed. 

Desperately overwhelmed usually means drama Jaci and saying things to Craig like, "I can't take it, I'm going to do drive off the bridge!" or, " we'll be lucky if we all survive today". Pretty sure that was a text this afternoon actually. Don't worry people, these really are just a figure of speech since I don't actually consider driving off a bridge or someone not surviving the day. Well, sometimes I contemplate ways to off the dog but he was good today and safe from my homicidal drama thinking. Such mini verbal explosions are simply the most dramatic way I can express to Craig just how overwhelmed I am because saying, "Craig, I'm feeling very overwhelmed" can't begin to describe my state of being overwhelmed, which is of course by far the most overwhelmed anyone could possibly ever be. So, I exaggerate to get my point across more effectively. Not sure it works since he just looks at me probably thinking, she's freaking crazy. Maybe I am.

So today, all day, I kept thinking, as I often do when I feel I need more time, man, I wish I had that time turner Hermione used her 3rd year at Hogwarts. Yes, I love HP... and Twilight and the Hunger Games for that matter. And yes, many times I have wished I were a witch or a vampire or just as awesome as Catniss. But I've digressed. 

I needed the time turner because the things I need to do keep piling up, literally piling up on my kitchen counter as a way to be an in my face reminder, DO THIS NOW. When things pile up it doesn't seem to matter how great it was that I got the kids outside to play this morning and to the park this afternoon, on this beautiful day. This has been the case most of these days that I feel overwhelmed. I'm having fun with the kids on these beautiful days. So then I feel guilty, I should be happy the kids are having fun and enjoying this early spring weather, not getting all worked up that I'm not getting anything else done and that I'm rushing around trying to get dinner made and baths done, the sand swept off the floor 5 times a day.... But, that's not me. I don't like piles of things to do and I start to sink, or lose it, when "take time for self" continues to be a part of my to do list week after week.

Result...mini explosions, drama Jaci, then feeling bad for not keeping it all together. It's a vicious cycle. Of course, Rylie decided she no longer needs naps during this most recent episode of, need more time, overwhelmed, implode, explode. Now I have to adapt my perfect little daily routine and I'm clearly not adjusting well.

I feel especially awful for my explosion two days ago after I made an effort to resume my wii fit workout after a 2 year hiatus. After six months of being in our new home I finally set up the balance board, which entailed taking it out of the box and putting the box away. All proud of myself for taking the first step towards my doctor ordered exercise and I couldn't get the tv on.I tried various things, gave up and went upstairs.

Me: Craig, I've tried everything, I can't get the stupid tv on

Craig: Did you turn on the power strip?

Me: Yeeeessss (in an annoyed, I'm not stupid sort of tone)

He goes downstairs and comes back up in a minute

Craig: It's on. You have to lock the button in on the power strip.

Me: Oh (in an embarrassed, guess I am a little stupid sort of tone)

I go back down..... and after another few minutes I come back up.

Me: Craig, I can't get the wii to come on the tv.

Craig goes down and comes back up in a minute.

Craig: OK, I had to use the tv remote, not cable remote.

I go back down....and after another few minute of waving the wii remote around and getting nothing I come back up. I got new batteries. Proud that I was attempting to figure this one out on my own.

It worked! I got to the main page and the "new" batteries I found died. I came back up very annoyed.

There were no more batteries.

mini EXPLOSION

Which involved me complaining to Craig that he gets to run and go to a meeting once each week and I don't get to do anything for me now that he's working on him. Ouch. Not cool, or at least not very supportive.

It was how I was feeling, so not supportive but honest. I feel like I've giving up my own recovery because I'm so desperate for him to not drink. But how can I wish him to do all these things and complain that he's not for years and then complain when he finally acts? I said sorry which usually means a person then lets it go but I still feel bad. Maybe because I partly still feel this way. I keep giving up more and more of what I need to accommodate him. Now, instead of not being able to go to yoga or get a break from the kids because I he's drinking and I can't leave the kids alone with him, I can't go to yoga or get a break from the kids because he's doing what he needs to in order not to drink. Talk about a catch 22! 

I also have the same issue I did when he was drinking. When he's around (now physically present before mentally) I want to enjoy family time so I give up me time for family time. I've never been able to juggle this desire for both and feeling there is not enough time for both. Just like I can't juggle outside fun time with the kids and all the things I'm used to getting done when we are stuck inside, like checking my email, which last I looked I had 65 to sort through. As an aside, Craig only runs 20 minutes. So, I'm still trying to figure out why this even interferes and I'm pretty sure it's just an excuse I'm using which makes me feel even more awful about complaining! I'm a fabulous multitasker, but in these instances all I can think is, I NEED MORE TIME. Thus, I dream of the nonexistent time turner because I can't seem to figure out another way to get my me time and family time and everything else that needs to be done time in, without giving up sleep. Which I've been doing. Like I am now.

I'm giving up sleep, which we all know is another thing I desperately need. Though, a little less sleep means I get a bit of writing in, which helps lessen the irrational explosions and dramatic exclamations of, "I'm going to drive off a bridge", which all carries over into me being a mean mommy and as I've stated before, I loathe mean mommy. She was not around for a good while. I want her gone again. So, I chose write, instead of putting the new batteries I bought yesterday in the wii remote and start working out, which I also really wanted to do. 

See why I long for a time turner? Maybe I should buy one of those collectible ones. Perhaps symbolism is all I need to have more time. Oh, wouldn't it be nice if that were the case.... guess it's worth a shot. I'll add that to my to do list.