Looking for More

When I used to write I always felt it was my way of talking to God. My thoughts were private, just for me and God. I used to wonder who would read my journals when I was gone. I wondered what they would think of me and the kind of a person I was, if they never knew me that is, like my great grandchild or something. Then I worried about what they would think! Which is why I decided, if I ever actually make my will, that I want my journals buried or cremated with me. I don't want anyone to read them, ever. They weren't meant for anyone to read. There's nothing bad per se. They are quite depressing actually because I always tend to write more during difficult versus joyous times.

I think that's why I'm stuck though. Sometimes I think of things and want to write but while this is a place I use to be honest and open and self therapeutic there are still plenty of places my chatter takes me that I am not so sure I want anyone to read. I also get stuck because I'm not sure which tense to use or who I'm writing to. If I'm talking to you then I would be more inclined to use words like we and our, as if I was talking to a friend. That's what I want for this place to be anyway. A place for friends, togetherness. But, I realize that I am often writing like it's just me, like I used to write. I feel I need to adapt if this is going to be the place I want it to be. A place that's not just for me. Granted, people would have to comment more for it to be more than just me! Ha.

I thought of this as I was putting Caleb to bed the other night. I thought of how I love to grow but sometimes struggle with change, with what's comfortable. This is pretty common for most people I've met but the thing is, I actually like change, I used to crave it. I lived in five states in six years at one point. While, I'm on my seventh state in eleven years, I don't get the anxious feeling anymore, like I need to move on, or just move. I guess a family will do that to a girl who likes to travel and experience new places. Problem is, now that I'm all snuggled into my little comfort zone, I sort of transfer that comfort into all areas of my life. I don't get out much or make new friends often or go to new places or even try new foods so how do I adapt and change how I write? It's an ever so subtle change I need, one that's more inclusive of....an audience, I guess is what I'm thinking. Because really, if I don't take you into consideration I might as well just be writing in my journal. It really is a subtle difference though, which I think I get sometimes.

I think one problem I have is I'm not an audience sort of person. I never really liked the lime light. I was a very shy kid actually. I know, some of you may be shocked to hear this, but it's true, I was. I didn't really start to come out of my shell until middle school. Odd since middle school tends to be the most awkward of the growing pain years for everyone I know. By the time I graduated high school I had found a good sense of confidence, or at least a good sense of who I was and what I wanted from life. I didn't realize until years later that confidence in oneself and knowing what you want out of life are two very different things. Either way, I think that's more than a lot of high school grads can say, at least in retrospect 15 years later, because of course we know it all at 18.

Another problem I have is that I really am not good with the whole rules of the English language thing. Sort of helps to know the basics from elementary school if you are writing to an audience. There are things I remember, and even get annoyed when others don't follow some of the basics I do recall, as if I have any right to get annoyed by others poor use of grammar! But overall, I'm not exaggerating. I honestly could not tell you what say, an adverb is, or a pronoun for that matter. I would have to google all of those English basics. If any of my elementary school English teachers ever read this, I'm sorry. I really was a good student. I blame it on my college years snatching my memory. Then again, I'm not sure I knew these things before college either. I think I just pick and choose what I want to remember because Craig tells me stories and I really have no idea what he's talking about. Every once in awhile I say, "oooooh yeah!" Then, as the memory floods back I think, oh good God, no wonder I chose to forget! But again, all that is for another time.

I often marvel at the memory that once, long ago, I actually considered English as a major. I think it may even say that in my senior bio! Wow, that would be funny, now I'll have to check that out. I know it said Psychology, so at least that is close enough to what came to be. But wow, English, as my major! Ha. I mean, I just started that sentence with "but" for crying out loud! I start sentences with "and" and "because" a lot too, and I use run on sentences, and fragments, and lots of commas, all the time. I know these things about my writing so I think, who the heck would want to read this?! I also digress, as you can see, but that's more from my chatter than my poor grammatical skills, mostly.

I am dreading having to help the kids with their homework because they will learn much too early in their lives that mommy doesn't actually know everything. Once kids realize that, oh boy, parenting takes on a whole new challenge.
BUT, back to change and comfort and how to make this blog a place others want to come to because as I've said before, if you read the 'about me' link, alone sucks. I don't want to be alone here. Sort of defeats the point of the together and feeling connected part.

Maybe what I need is to more actively seek an audience. It just feels a bit self centered or boasting to me to do that and I'm not a fan of boastful people. So, I just share the link on facebook and leave it alone. Maybe what I need is more from you than me. I used to get a little annoyed when blogs became the new fad and friends kept asking me to become a follower. "Fad", ha, a word from my generation I haven't heard in awhile which reminds me of laughing at all those old people when I was a kid who said groovy or something. Anyway, it took me awhile to start following friend's blogs and only recently did I start reading blogs of people I don't know. I've found a wonderful sense of connectedness though, from these stranger's blogs. I don't get to travel and meet new people like I used to and while face to face interaction is always better, this is the 21st century so jump on the social media, blogging, online dating (if you're still single of course) train or miss out on all the world has to offer, right?

I always wanted to help bring people together, help break down some barriers of all the differences between us. To me, we really are all connected and have so much more in common than we may think, if we drop our guard a bit, drop our judgements for a bit and open our hearts and minds just a bit more, we can see those connections. If I can create a place that helps people realize this interconnectedness between us all then I would be fulfilling some "old" dreams that I put on hold to fulfill my stay at home mommy dreams. That would be a beautiful thing! I hope you'll help me with that.


So, I'll try to get over that old shy self and remember the more outgoing one who would be telling the world about this place, trying to get people on board, coming together, sharing and just feeling connected. I'm sure there's people out there who would like this place, I just need to find them and keep writing.... to them and for all of us, not just me. AND not worry so much about my crappy grammar!

While I'm working on that, I'd appreciate some love from those who have kept coming back each week. Thank you by the way! Now, if you could share some posts you like with your friends and family, ask them to share too, if they like the post, and comment as well. If you like even one post, check the 'become a follower' link so I don't look like such a shmuck when strangers do come to check things out here. I'll tell ya, I have a lot of anxiety even posting this one because of that whole "hey look at me" feeling I get from it. But, if you keep doing the same thing, you'll keep getting the same results. Here's hoping for something a little different.

Love and Thanks!